presented by the Stop It Goaltending U app

In our Parents Segment, presented by the Stop It Goaltending U app, we follow up from last week’s segment when we talked about whether we felt it was better to play on strong or weak teams for your young goalie’s development. This time providing some thoughts for parents to help their kids through the tough times that are inevitable when playing for a weaker team.

Topics discussed include:

Acknowledge the situation (so they are not alone).

Set different expectations (like an Olympian focus on process over results)

Focus on the fun (be relentlessly positive)

Put in the Work (as parents and kids to make these ideas work).

Link from this segment: The Inner Book of Tennis: https://www.amazon.ca/Inner-Game-Tennis-Classic-Performance/dp/B007CKJNPY

Summary

Last week we talked about whether we felt it was better to play on strong or weak teams for your young goalie’s development.

I promised to come back this week with some ideas for kids struggling mentally with playing on poor teams. And as I developed what I was going to say today I realized – this is a good approach for EVERYONE honestly.

This will require time and effort to help your child – but it’s an opportunity to grow and a person and as a goaltender.

Goaltending is a mental grind for sure, and doubly so when the team they are on struggles for wins. We’re asking young kids to deal with something even us adults find challenging.

Personally – we’ve got a lot of experience with this! Think my son played on a strong team only once in his life – and what a fun year it was.

The reality is that if your kid is naturally competitive it will be hard to take losses no matter how well they play.

And those around them don’t make it any easier.

Sure there are positive, supportive people around but at every level no matter what they do others will look at them and wonder or even openly ask why they couldn’t find a way to make one or two more saves.

Players can make multiple mistakes a game – but one or two by your goalie and they hear about it and feel the pressure. We even do it to ourselves!

So what advice do I have for our kids?

First – acknowledge this situation.

• Acknowledging the issue helps. This is not making excuses. It’s simply acknowledging the pressure and the situation they are faced with.
• Goaltending can be very isolating. This acknowledgement lets them know they are not alone.
• Help your child acknowledge it : “This team is not a strong one but we’re here to have fun and develop and I’m not going to let a loss take that from me.”
• Of course they want to win but understanding the situation is OK. Any goalie with any hope of being good will still give 100% to try to win.

Second – Set different expectations.

You are not mailing it in and just assuming losses – of course you try your best. And the reality is that a self-motivated athlete will be competitive regardless! But we’re talking here about a way to channel that effort in a way that will help their performance in a healthier way.

KEY POINT: Set different expectations. Not no expectations.

I was invited years ago to play on a beer league team of all young guys in a league well above my level. And they were the worst team in the league.

Before we went out I asked “OK, what’s this usually like?” and a guy said to me – “keep it under 12 and you’re doing well.” It was clear he wasn’t joking.

Honestly that changed everything for me. I went out – gave up fewer than 12 and really enjoyed myself.

Now that’s an extreme of course. But it does make my point. AND the best approach isn’t about the number of goals, frankly.

Here’s how you can set different expectations that will help your goalie’s development and mental health.

• Set other goals they can try to achieve. I refer again to the excellent book The Inner Game of Tennis – set a goal like “count the number of times you control a rebound, play the puck well, choose a good depth off the rush, beat a pass on your feet, or even emotional goals like – will not be visibly frustrated after a goal, or I’ll take two deep breaths and let them out slowly before every face-off. You don’t want a lot of these – just one or two for a game or even a practice.
• If afterwards you can look to your personal goals and feel you have achieved them – you can take comfort in that. Even be proud. You can  evaluate your performance on this personal and self-developed system.
• These goals are related to process and not the scoreboard. Did you watch the Olympics? – I was frankly amazed by the number of athletes who referred to their sport psychologist and making their process-related goals.
• There are top gymnasts, figure skaters or snowboarders who KNOW they can’t do the same skills as the likely medal winners.  Do you really think their only goal is to win? Do you really think they have a coach saying “you just need to find a way to do a triple axel today?” Of course not. And do you think they work any less hard or compete any less hard? Of course not. Their development is simply in a different place – and that’s OK – they don’t need to be miserable out there – they just need to focus on their process and development. The scoreboard someone else is keeping is irrelevant.
• Yes it’s harder when your personal performance is tied to a team result – you could be good enough to do the goalie version of a triple axel and if your team is terrible it’s irrelevant on the scoreboard. But that still doesn’t change the need to focus on personal performance and personal goals.
• Indeed this is a good plan even if your team never loses – because a good result on the scoreboard does not mean you have played your best or developed in any way.
• If only we had the idea of a “personal best” as in track or swimming – how healthy is that!! That’s what I’m aiming at – even if PBs are results-based I’m sure athletes are taking a process-driven approach to get those.

Third: Focus on the fun

• Do you enjoy playing goal or is it based only on wins? Do you enjoy practice even though you are scored on plenty there of course? If you do enjoy playing then focus on that. Focus on the fun of the saves you’ve made and don’t let the goals take that away from you.

Fourth: Put in the Work

• It’s easy to roll out on a strong team and win every game. Having fun and developing on a poor team is not. It will take effort from parents and from their goalies. The same effort will help even the goalie on the team that never loses.
• You’ll have to reinforce these ideas and stay relentlessly positive, even if it’s tearing you up inside at times.
• You have to take a deliberate approach to this and I know as a goalie parent who loves your kid and hates to see them suffer you’ll invest the time to help them set some goals each week and evaluate them after games or at the end of the week. Help them see their development. Help them see their progress. Help them focus on the fun.
• Whether you Look in the mirror every day or write it down to read over and over – you need an affirmation of some sort. For example, Tell yourself. “I’m a great goalie. I belong here. I have set my goals and I’m going to go after them today. I’m allowed to make mistakes.” Or even include “last week I met my goal and this week I’m going to take it another step.” “Nobody can take my love for the game away from me.”

Look, it’s not going to be easy. There will be hard days and weeks.

Even the strongest of us is upset when others blame us and we all want to win – simply acknowledging that it’s OK to feel that way helps! But then move on and focus on the process.

And of course remind them – I love you. I love watching you play. I love seeing you have fun out there.

I know it’s a bit cliche if you can get through this you’ll be a much better goalie. You’ll be a much stronger person. That will pay dividends for the rest of your life.

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