Tips to help you and your young goalie deal with the challenges of playing on a weaker team : Podcast Segment for Goalie Parents – Episode 282

Hutch, what do you have for us?

I have a follow-up, Daren, from last week. Last week, we were talking about, that idea. Should you if you had a choice, would you rather have your child playing on a strong team or on a weak team? And there were a lot of great opinions bandied about here. Really enjoyed the conversation with both of you.

Promised last week that we would follow-up with some tips for those kids who are on a weaker team and for those parents who want to know how to help them because it can be a grind, it can be a real mental challenge. So I promised I'd come back with some ideas as I was putting it all together for this week though, guys. I realized the things I'm going say would probably help every goaltender regardless of what team you're on. But obviously, a lot of the needs are highlighted when you're on a team that's struggling and facing those challenges. So I will say moms and dads out there, this is going to require some time and effort if you want to really be able to help your child.

But if you do, it's a real opportunity to grow as a person and as a goaltender. We've said before that goaltending is mentally a grind and it is doubly so when you're on a team that's struggling for wins. And really, honestly, aren't we asking young kids to deal with some challenges here that even us as adults find challenging? I know all the goalie parents in the group find it really challenging when our kids are in this situation. Now think about this as a 13, a 14, an 18 year old having to deal with these challenges.

It's tough. Personally, I've got a lot of experience with this, guys. My kid's been a goaltender since he was four or five years old, and I think he's played on a strong team only once in his life and it was a fun relaxing year for all of us. The reality is that if your kid is naturally competitive, it's going to be hard to take losses no matter how well they play. We also need to acknowledge that.

And, the people around them don't make it any easier. There are a lot of positive supportive people in the game, but at every level, no matter what they play, others are going to look at them and wonder or even openly ask if they couldn't have found a way to make one or two more saves. And players, we know can make multiple mistakes a game, but one or two by your goalie and they hear about it and they feel the pressure. We even do it to ourselves as goaltenders. So what advice do I have this week for kids?

First, acknowledge the situation. I think as parents, it's acknowledging the situation that they're facing in conversation with them really does help. This isn't making excuses, it's simply acknowledging that there's a lot of pressure in their lives and and what they're faced with. Goal tending can be very isolating as we all know. That acknowledgment just sort of lets them know that, they're not alone in what they're facing.

I would also suggest that you help your child acknowledge it and and say, look, I understand that my team is not a strong one, but I'm here to have fun and develop and I'm I'm not going to let these losses take that from me. I think being able to say that out loud really helps. And of course they want to win, but understanding the situation and what they're facing is okay. So any goalie with any hope of being good is going to still though give a 100 to try to win. It's okay just to acknowledge it.

You're not making excuses or lowering your effort. Second, and this is really the big part guys, set different expectations. You're not mailing it in and just assuming losses. Of course, you're going to try your best. And the reality is that a self motivated athlete is going to be competitive regardless.

But we're talking here about a way to channel that effort in a way that will help their performance in a healthier way. You're setting different expectations, not no expectations. I mean, it's a bit of a silly example, guys, but years ago I was invited to play in a beer league team. It was all young guys, sort of 18 to 20 years old in a league way above my level. And they were the worst team in the league.

And before we They were. And before we went out, I asked one of the guys, literally, this is my first game with them and I said, how's this usually go? What's this going to be like? And the guy looked at me and he said, keep it under 12 and you're doing well.

And they weren't joking.

They were not joking. It was clear. And honestly though, that changed everything for me because I was super nervous. I went out, I gave up fewer than 12 and and I really enjoyed myself and I played a lot of games with them and I don't think I ever gave up 12 and I had a good time. So, but those different expectations help.

And look, that's an extreme example, but I think it makes my point. But the best approach isn't about the number of goals really when I'm talking about different expectations. So here's what I would suggest you might want to do to help their development and their mental health. Set some other goals that they can try to achieve. Referring again to a book I've mentioned before in the past, the inner game of tennis.

You can set a goal like count the number of times you control a rebound or count the number of times your child plays the puck well or they choose a good depth or they beat a pass on their feet or even some emotional goals like not showing that you're visibly frustrated after a goal or making the plan to take two deep breaths and let them out slowly before every face off. Some sort of a goal related to their process on the ice. Not a lot, just one or two of them will really help them focus in a game and work on what they're doing. And then afterwards, can look at those personal goals that you've, set and you can decide, did I achieve them? How did I do?

How well can I do better? And you can even be proud and evaluate your performance based on that sort of personal system that you put together. The goals are related to process and not the scoreboard. I don't know if you guys noticed watching the Olympics this year, guys. I was amazed by the number of athletes who referred to their sports psychologist and making their process related goals.

It was like the number of I've heard it before, but it just seemed like athlete after athlete in the Olympics this year. It was amazing. Look, there's top gymnasts, figure skaters, snowboarders, whatever, who know they can't do the same skills as some of the people they're competing against, the ones who are likely to win the medals. But do you really think their only goal at the Olympics is to win? Do you really think they have a coach saying, you just need to find a way to do a triple axle today?

Of course they don't, but they still work just as hard as anybody else out there. Their development is just in a different place and that's okay and they don't need to be miserable. They just need to focus on their process and their development. And funny enough, the scoreboard tends to follow along over time as well when you do that. It's harder when your personal performance is tied to a team result like it is in hockey.

So, you know, you could be good enough to do the goalie version of a triple Axel and your team is terrible and it's, it's going to show up on the scoreboard still. But that doesn't change the fact that you need to focus on your personal performance and your personal goals. So I think this is a good plan for people even if your team never loses because that good result on the scoreboard doesn't mean you as a goaltender have played your best or developed in any way. So I think having this idea of focusing on some process is really good for goalies at all levels. And then I actually think guys it'd be great if we could follow that process that they do in tracker swimming where they focus on personal bests.

Like I wish there was a way we could do that as goalies because it's so healthy. It's okay you didn't win. You swam the fastest race you've ever swum before. Good for you. That's great development.

And, that's kind of what I'm aiming at here. Can we find a way to define our own personal best by looking at some of those process driven goals that moms and dads and goalies and coaches can put together? The third piece, focus on the fun. If you enjoy playing goal and you're out there not because of the wins, if you enjoy going to practice even though you give up lots of goals and practices, we all do focus on that. Focus on the fun and the saves you're making out there and and talk about it.

Talk about the saves that went well and don't focus so much on the goals that are going in. And then the last one is put the work in. It's easy to roll out there on a strong team and win every game. Having fun on developing a poor team or acknowledging is not easy, but it's gonna take some effort from the parents and from their goaltenders. Setting these goals, putting these plans in place, reviewing these plans together.

That same kind of effort though, like I said, is gonna help a goalie on any team even if they never lose. But you're gonna have to reinforce these ideas with your kids and stay relentlessly positive even if inside moms and dads it's tearing you apart as I know it does. You have to take a deliberate approach to this, and I know as a goalie parent who loves your kid and hates to see them suffer, you will invest the time to help them set some goals each week and evaluate them after games and at the end of the week. Help them see their development. Help them see their progress.

Help them focus on the fun. Now whether you look in the mirror every day or write it down or read it over and over, You need an affirmation of some sort. Hat tip here to our good friend Pete Fry, the goalie mindset guy. For example, stand in front of the mirror and say, I'm a great goalie. I belong here.

I've set my goals, and I'm going to go after them today. I'm allowed to make mistakes. Or even, last week, I met my goal, and this week, I'm gonna take it another step. Or nobody can take my love for this game away from me. Whatever it is that you need to say to reinforce your love for the game and that you're doing this for the right reasons.

Look, it's not gonna be easy. There will be hard days. There will be hard weeks. Even the strongest of us is upset when others blame us, and we all want to win. Simply acknowledging that it's okay to feel that way helps.

But then move on and focus on the process. And, of course, remind them, I love you. I love watching you play. I love seeing you have fun out there. I know it's a bit cliche, but if you can get through this, you will be a much better goalie, you will be a much stronger person, and that is going to pay dividends for the rest of your life.

I'm with you. I I think the adult league goaltender can take a lot from everything that you just said as much as the the parents and the children.

A 100%. I was thinking the same thing. I'm like, I should make notes on that. Now I'm not playing beer league anymore, but I hit the point where my expectations didn't match where my beer league team was at. They were frustrating.

They're terrible defensively, and I stopped having fun because I I wanted to win. And I let that get in the way of having fun, and it was just so miserable to the point where another concussion and not allowed to play anymore actually probably was a bit of a blessing for my mental health with that with that group. I was laughing a little bit, Hutch, there at the end because I know you haven't had a chance to listen to our feature interview today because that affirmation you talked about is exactly one of the things that doctor Saul Miller talks about with us in terms of I and looking in a mirror on a daily basis and saying, I am a great goalie was one of the things that he suggested. Now it's a little tough for me to do that with a straight face, look in the mirror and say, I am a great goalie, but it is something I'm gonna try.

I love the idea of affirmations.

I just think that hearing it well, I mean, we'll listen to doctor Miller, but but hearing it out loud or seeing it written down just puts it in a different place in your brain than sitting there at night lying in bed awake wondering to yourself, am I a great goalie? How where where do I stack up? Do I belong here? No. Yeah.

I do. I do. And and I'm gonna tell myself that.

Damn right I belong at div seven beer league forty plus.

And I wouldn't have done that ten years ago. Like, I wouldn't have bought into the affirmation. I would have found a way to make fun of it. And now I think that there's serious and significant benefit for the human being, never mind the goaltender.

It's where our brain goes, right, when we're under stress and stuff. So do we train it to go to a positive place or we train it to allow in a whole bunch of doubt? And how you go about that I mean, it's a perfect segue to our feature interview. But how you go about that, and how you go about practicing that will inherently become a how you think about things when you're playing in the moment, or as Hutch said, when you're laying in bed at night wondering big picture questions. How do we focus ourselves to make sure we get the most out of those moments?